Loving

…it is not as clear as it seems

Archive for the tag “abusive married life”

A new journey…

I was in recovery from my ten -year marriage to misery, and just able to stand back up straight after the effects of my poor choice for the antidote: an inebriating, unhealthy online ‘relationship’.

I was finished with poor choices. I was ready to let go of negativity. I confidently embraced the life ahead of me.

Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I thank God every day that I was on the other side of these ordeals before I had to begin this new fight.  Stress can damage our systems and leave us unarmed.  It can steal our soul and destroy hope.

The National Cancer Institute tells us that that although “psychological stress alone has not been found to cause cancer…psychological stress that lasts a long time may affect a person’s overall health and ability to cope with cancer.

If I had not divorced my husband when I did, I probably never would have. I worry about those who are stuck — diagnosed before they have a chance to break free of a bad situation.

I had bad days through chemotherapy, but I could smile. I could breathe. I could rest when I needed to rest, and take care of myself however I felt best. I could focus on getting better without having to also field the insults, rejection and daily degradation of an emotionally bankrupt man.

For that I am fortunate.

Which is worse?

One evening, while exchanging emails with Andrew, I sent some sort of diatribe about the need to let go of all that represented my abusive married life.  I assumed he would ignore my musings and move straight into sex talk like he usually did.  In the months prior, Andrew had begun to ignore my ‘chit chat’ about my day, opting to send separate emails to begin spicier discussion.  To my surprise, he did respond this time.  I opened his email to find three words:  “I love you.”   He had drawn those powerful words, there in the middle of the night, like a sword suddenly drawn in a crowd for no apparent reason.  It was confusing. I stared at the screen barely able to breathe. Were his careless words pointed towards my heart?  My head? Was he mocking me?  Was he finally opening himself up to me?  My heart leapt for safety, but fell short of arriving at its destination. Instead, I lost it all together, writing back that I loved him too. 

Andrew took advantage of my vulnerable state.  He was playing games.  Is that worse than one who overtly mistreats someone?

 

Am I the only one to fall in love online?

It pummeled my heart like an intense flash of light punishes the eye. An unexpected and unwelcome epiphany. Standing in Chicago’s Midway airport, returning from a solo trip to Denver, I understood that my deeply intimate, all-consuming relationship must end. It should not have been a difficult decision.

My love – the man who made me breathless just at the thought of his touch — never actually touched me at all. He also never called me on the phone or took me to dinner. In fact, I never once spent time with him in the flesh.

My boyfriend lived in my computer, so to speak. Ours was an electronically-mediated relationship, lasting one year, one month and 20 days. One would think that a professional, suburban mom in her mid-forties would be immune from the lure of love and sex on the Internet.  I was not.

It started on Facebook.

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