Loving

…it is not as clear as it seems

Archive for the tag “emotional abuse”

A new journey…

I was in recovery from my ten -year marriage to misery, and just able to stand back up straight after the effects of my poor choice for the antidote: an inebriating, unhealthy online ‘relationship’.

I was finished with poor choices. I was ready to let go of negativity. I confidently embraced the life ahead of me.

Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I thank God every day that I was on the other side of these ordeals before I had to begin this new fight.  Stress can damage our systems and leave us unarmed.  It can steal our soul and destroy hope.

The National Cancer Institute tells us that that although “psychological stress alone has not been found to cause cancer…psychological stress that lasts a long time may affect a person’s overall health and ability to cope with cancer.

If I had not divorced my husband when I did, I probably never would have. I worry about those who are stuck — diagnosed before they have a chance to break free of a bad situation.

I had bad days through chemotherapy, but I could smile. I could breathe. I could rest when I needed to rest, and take care of myself however I felt best. I could focus on getting better without having to also field the insults, rejection and daily degradation of an emotionally bankrupt man.

For that I am fortunate.

Relief?

Shortly after Andrew’s declaration of love, I started to notice that the time stamp on his messages were an hour off of my own.  They used to be the same. Now, his were one hour later than mine. 

This didn’t make sense. 

About six month into our discussions, he mentioned that he might be moving from Boston.  He was originally from Indianapolis as was I.  Based on what I knew about him, Indianapolis was a logical destination. This was exciting.  There would be, I thought, no more reasons for us to not be together.  I asked him where he was moving to and, in typical ‘Andrew fashion’, he ignored me.  I hadn’t thought deeply into this until my trip to Denver. 

Up to that point, I figured the time stamp disagreement had something to do with either my computer or his — a technical issue.  However, while in Denver, I the time stamp changed by two hours, which is consistent with the time difference between Denver and Indianapolis.  My mind, it seemed, had collected pieces of information and put them together even when I wasn’t purposefully doing any critical thinking at all.

 At the Denver airport, just before my plane boarded for home, I checked the ‘properties’ of Andrew’s email’s, copying and pasting the ‘sent’ IP address into Google to see from where his last email was sent. The response was as suspected: Indianapolis. He knows I visit the area regularly.  He clearly didn’t avoid my latest invitations to Chicago due to a distance issue.  When strategically planned around traffic patterns, it is only a three and a half hour drive from Indianapolis to Chicago. 

 Andrew, it dawned on me, had moved from Boston to my parent’s backyard and never mentioned it.  On that plane ride home, hope stopped.  Its screeching halt felt like I had plunged into an icy pool of water on an uncomfortably hot summer day.

Painful relief.

That first step out the virtual door was tough, but ‘walking away’ resulted in life-altering empowerment.  I had known something wasn’t right, but kept hoping everything would somehow turn out the way I wanted.  My head was still able to function separately from my heart.  This is good to know.

Which is worse?

One evening, while exchanging emails with Andrew, I sent some sort of diatribe about the need to let go of all that represented my abusive married life.  I assumed he would ignore my musings and move straight into sex talk like he usually did.  In the months prior, Andrew had begun to ignore my ‘chit chat’ about my day, opting to send separate emails to begin spicier discussion.  To my surprise, he did respond this time.  I opened his email to find three words:  “I love you.”   He had drawn those powerful words, there in the middle of the night, like a sword suddenly drawn in a crowd for no apparent reason.  It was confusing. I stared at the screen barely able to breathe. Were his careless words pointed towards my heart?  My head? Was he mocking me?  Was he finally opening himself up to me?  My heart leapt for safety, but fell short of arriving at its destination. Instead, I lost it all together, writing back that I loved him too. 

Andrew took advantage of my vulnerable state.  He was playing games.  Is that worse than one who overtly mistreats someone?

 

Escape…

So…I mentioned it all started on Facebook.

After setting up my page and inviting local friends to join my list, I began to search names of people I had known from the past, first typing the name of a man with whom I’d had a fling 20 years earlier – Andrew.  I found him right away. I couldn’t remember how we’d ended, so I was a bit nervous about contacting him.  Every vein in my body pulsed as I clicked ‘Add Friend’.

Andrew accepted my friend request, and his ensuing messages showered me with compliments and expressions of regret that he had ever let me go.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, “With a husband that ‘showed me the door’ each time I attempted to talk about our marriage problems, Andrew’s messages quickly became a safe escape from my uncomfortable life.”

We had originally met while working stressful, unsatisfying restaurant manager positions in the same restaurant. We directed servers, customer service, menu planning and cooks, as we flirted with company rules and laughed at boundaries. Something wasn’t right about it all, but we had fun. I was excited to have found him again.

We quickly exchanged pleasantries, catching up on the larger facts of our lives: He was living in Boston, me in Chicago. He became a restaurant executive; I went on to teach college. He never married; I did. I quickly felt like I was living a revised version of ‘our story’, the way it should have played out all those years ago, as I fought an ever-present pull at my conscious.

Something wasn’t right. I knew it but ignored it. Am I alone? Has this happened to anyone else?

Emotional Abuse drives us to find relief from isolation.

Has an online relationship helped you to escape?

Post Navigation

ALIEN AURA'S BLOG: IT'LL BLOW YOUR MIND!

CREATIVE, BLUNT AND SENSUAL WRITING FROM ALI'S PEN!

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

Narcissistic Abuse Support | Maintaining No Contact | Heal Grow Evolve

Dragonfly Woman

the place to learn about exercise, nutrition and mindset training so that you can be the very best version of you and get on with what is most important to you.

SERENDIPITY

Searching for intelligent life on earth

disarrayed creativity

I am a writer. I am an artist. I aim to let others take a glimpse into how I think, feel, & characterize the world as I see it through my writing.

Psychopathyawareness's Blog

information about psychopaths

The Daily Post

The Art and Craft of Blogging

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.